"Even Though"

It has been 59 days since we left on this wild adventure across the United States.

It's been almost five months since we moved out of our home and my kid's hometown without direction for the future.

It's been eight months since we stepped out of ministry, broken and confused as to why God would allow it.

It's been eleven months and four days since our dear sister Hope was called home to heaven, a loss too great for words.

And nothing has been the same since. 

This last year has brought me to the absolute end of myself. Life is hard anyway, that is no surprise. And incase anyone thinks life will be a Disney dream come true, Jesus made sure we could open up our Bibles and get a reality check. "In the world you will have trouble." John 16:33 

There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. You can't have enough money, or be good enough, or avoid rotten people enough to keep away from trouble. 

But sometimes life is even harder than just plain hard. Sometimes God allows one storm after another to pound you again and again, and you can't even catch your breath before the next thing strips you down to nothing again. 

What in the world do you do in that situation? When you're Job and one messenger after another brings you a story of loss and suffering. 

There is not much you can do. More often than not I don't get to change my circumstances. It isn't up to me to do anything. 

But I can decide where to fix my gaze. I can pour out all that is in my heart to the One who is trustworthy. 

So I do. 

I tell God how frustrated I am, how alone and hurt and broken I am. I tell Him I want to trust Him, but it is hard. I tell Him I want Him to be the most important in my life, but it is hard. I don't keep anything back. Praise is mingled with honest fear. 

And He listens. He loves me. 

And He reminds me, "In this world you will have trouble."

But there is so much more to life than that trouble. Right before He said that, He told His disciples, "These things I have spoken to you that in Me you may have peace." 

Peace? Peace?!! Where is the peace in the midst of your world falling apart? Being lost and alone and heart so broken you think you could literally die from the emotional pain? How can Jesus say that? 

Keep reading. 

"In this world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

Ahh. You have overcome it.

I have to chew on this for awhile, let it sink in, make sure I truly accept what this means. 

The God of the universe is offering me peace. Peace in the midst of trouble. Not a nice shallow peaceful life without trouble. But peace in the middle of turmoil and darkness and heartache. How? Because He has already overcome the darkness. 

How is that possible? 

Jesus, the God-Man, who lived a completely sinless life, paid the wages of sin. My sin. Your sin. He hung on a cross instead of me, and died the death I should have died.

But then, wonder of wonders, three days later He brought Himself back to life! He beat death! He won! He has overcome the world! 

Now I can have peace with God Almighty. My sin is paid for, I am no longer an enemy of God. There is peace. 

Peace with God. 

And now I do know my future. Maybe not the future of my world here. I don't know what joys and heartaches are to come in this life- friends made and lost, babies born, and lives taken, children praising God, loved ones denying God. The ups and downs are part of this broken life.

But I am confident of eternity. The future I have for forever. Jesus has overcome the world. And He told us all this so that we would have peace! He wants me to have peace! He died that I might have peace.

This season of my life has had me often meditating on Psalm 23. It is where we got the names for the two rv's we have lived in during this trip. We have leaned on God's promises for rest from it. It has been my comfort and hope through so much recent brokenness. And God continues to teach me more from it as He takes us on this journey. 

The first few verses are so beautiful:

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake."

Sounds good right? Like the nice peaceful life we all want. But listen to what is next.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me."

Did you see it? Those words that make all the difference. 

"Even though." Yes that's it.

Not "afterward" or "when" but "even though." Everything that came before- the green pastures and still waters- that is a place I can be "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." How? Because He is with me! 

Sometimes, the circumstances cannot be changed. But the peace that God offers is available even then. God is with me.

I am forever learning to be with God. To really be aware of His presence. To talk to Him all the time about everything, even if it is silently in my mind. To meditate on His words to me. To listen to Him. To trust Him. To be with Him. Like I am with the people I love here. 

God is a person. A being. My friend and Savior and Lord and Strength and Refuge and Shepherd. He doesn't want me to just know about Him, but to know Him. Personally. 

And that is where I find comfort and peace. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

Praise be to God. 

-Andrea